Sunday, November 1, 2009

Another Doodle Quilt!

EDITED: Hopefully the pics are working now...

I wanted to share this beautiful gift we received from blog reader and fellow blogger Kristin:

She made this quilt for us out of the clothes my mom had bought us for the Doodles that were never used. I blogged a while back (last time we moved - I swear we don't normally move once a year) that DH had sadly come upon the bag of Doodles' clothes and how sad it made me, and Kristin emailed and generously offered to make us a quilt out of these clothes. The cubes are made up of their onesies, the bibs hang from a ribbon clothesline that came from one of my maternity shirts, and that same shirt's fabric made the giraffes. I can't even describe how much I love this quilt. We will ALWAYS cherish it.

She also made the most adorable laundry bag out of another maternity shirt (actually, the one I wore to the hospital the night we lost the Doodles) and the remaining bibs:

Thanks so much to Kristin for her wonderful talent and the gifts she gave us!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I suck!

With packing, moving, unpacking, et cetera...I had 0ver 200 unread posts in my google reader and with 30+ new ones a day, there's no way I'd ever catch up...so I missed a lot of posts. If there's anything fun or exciting or important about which you posted and I missed it, let me know in comments here so I'm sure to check in!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

In Remembrance

We just lit our candles, and took their picture in front of the Doodle blanket, the only unpacked memento. And the pic was taken with my blackberry since the camera upload cord is also packed. But we lit our candles, and got a picture, and that's what counts.

As we watch the candles burn, we'll remember our beautiful Noah and Talia. While today was exciting, finally closing on our new house, it's also bittersweet as we move forward with a life without our Doodles.

Also remembering so many others, including (but certainly not limited to - these are just the ones I thought of at first, partly due to seeing some of their blog posts today):

Karis and Addison
Jacob and Joshua
Zachary and Jacob
Lennox and Zoe
Vivian and Annemarie
Adam, Joseph and Paul
Collin
Jack
Brian and Lillian
Evan and Phoebe (no link)
Brenna
Aodin
Lydia
Myles
Quinn
Charlie
Baby Boy A and Baby Girl B
"Blue"
...and the losses of our family members...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

October 15

Just a reminder that tomorrow (October 15) is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

We're going to try and participate in the wave of light tomorrow (I say try because we have a very busy day as we close on our new house tomorrow and then have to finish packing up). I encourage everyone else to participate too!


Thanks to all for remembering our Doodles and all of the other little ones honored by this day.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Hindsight

My greatest regret in life, more than anything else, is not holding our little Noah, Doodle B, for the brief time he was alive. At the time it was just too painful to even contemplate, and I can't properly explain the conflicting emotions I was feeling at the time.

So you can imagine the pain I felt reading this story. Yes, I recognize that it's an extreme case, certainly not the norm. Most micro-preemies cannot be saved by mere skin to skin contact...and yet, I was hysterical for some time after reading this. It's one thing to feel guilt over not holding him, quite another to wonder if that might have made the difference between survival and losing him. I do recall how the neonatologist told us she'd never seen a Caucasian boy born at his gestation and weight survive, how he was too small for the breathing tube to have even worked on him...but still...

Sometimes I wish I didn't have access to all I do via the internet.

Similarly, I read these stories in the New York Times today (featuring blogger friend Kerry and her boys), and while the general discussion of the articles on the boards focused on whether they were too judgmental of those who transfer more than 1 in IVF, whether they make infertile couples seem like zealots who will get babies at any cost, whether they were too doom and gloom*...what I focused on was completely different...it was the fact that of sextuplets born at 23 weeks, some of them survived (so far)...Making me wonder, what would have happened to our Doodles had we made different decisions? Would they be with us? I've seen a lot of data since then indicating that even had they survived, their outlook for a normal life was practically zero. But I can't stop wondering.

I know these are the very worst types of questions I can ask myself now, that absolutely no good can come from revisiting painful decisions long behind us, but these different stories I've encountered recently have brought a lot of unresolved pain to the surface. And we miss our Doodles so much.

*On the doom and gloom point, while I truly feel for and understand the emotions of those currently pregnant with multiples who don't want to hear all that can go wrong, I think it's necessary to have information like this out there, both to educate those undergoing treatment about what multiples (particularly high order multiples) really mean, and to counter the glamorization of multiples by shows such as Jon and Kate Plus 8 - the rest of the world needs to understand that multiples aren't all fun and frivolity. And if this story can prevent one loss like ours, that's a good thing. I won't get into the obnoxious and ill-informed comments on the stories though - pure idiocy.

Friday, September 25, 2009

18 months

Today marks 18 months since we lost our Doodles...and surprisingly, I feel ok, it doesn't feel all that different from any other day.

Exactly one year ago I was at one of my very lowest points. I was in the middle of the IVF cycle that brought us our little Toodle and I was in so much pain, stuck looking backwards so much, missing what we should have had.

Today, I miss our Doodles just as much as I did last year but there is so much more peace and happiness, and I can finally look forward to a future instead of just backward. And we have our sweet Toodle to thank for that. He's had a tough week, resisting naps and being irritable, but remembering where I was a year ago truly puts things in perspective and makes me grateful to be struggling with a three month old baby to get him to nap. SO grateful. We looked through the Doodle boxes a few days ago for the first time since Toodle's arrival and while it REALLY hurt, like the ever-popular metaphor of tearing off a scab, the ability to look over at a living baby for relief was immensely calming, even as the comparisons made the missing them harder.

Looking back at the comments from last year, I'm also grateful for all the sympathy and support you all provided during the saddest time of my life. Thank you again.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Busted's Law

Busted's law says that if DH accidentally* lets some random neighbor dude from upstairs into our apartment - while I'm nursing - to retrieve something that fell on our patio, I will undoubtedly see him weekly thereafter, and always think "that dude saw my bubbies". Lord knows what he's thinking.

Did I mention I'm PAINFULLY modest...won't even BF in front of my own mother? Or anyone other than DH?

*I did clearly say "whoever it is, don't let them in since I'm breastfeeding!"...Sigh...men.