Reminders

I might have forgotten, if only for a few minutes, the recent reminder of how busted I am, except that I just got a call from the speciality pharmacy to see if they should send a refill on my progesterone shots. Nope, no meds needed here, nothing to see but an empty uterus. Thanks for asking. Is it wrong that it irritates me that they feel the need to remind people about refills? If you're not responsible enough to refill your own meds you should be left to your own devices. Just my humble (and incredibly judgmental) opinion.

In my distraction over the impending failure of our FET, it has come to my attention that I missed several important dates over the last week or two. I passed the one year mark since I started blogging (not that I want to celebrate that, considering I'm in exactly the same place I was one year ago, waiting to start a cycle). We passed the 6 year anniversary of when DH and I met. And we passed the 25th, 5 months since our sweet Doodles died.

It seems like such a long time ago that it all happened. It hardly seems real, any of it, from being pregnant to giving birth to holding them. If it weren't for the pictures, the memory boxes, the ashes, I don't know how I would be able to convince myself any of it really happened. This is compounded by the fact that everything seems too "back to normal" lately and that pains me. I almost want to retreat into sadness more, want to cut myself off from people, so I can hold on to the feelings I had closer to when they were here, remind myself of what it felt like to hold them, be pregnant with them, even though those are horrible memories.

Last night, at least, I laughed harder than I'd laughed since before we lost the Doodles. Mister (Trotsky, our big fat orange cat) just did the funniest thing, that I'm sure won't translate properly in description - I decided to pick him up out of the bathtub (one of his favorite lounging spots) and carry him to the bed, only he's so heavy that I was barely able to get him in a carrying position, and had my arms wrapped around his upper belly, with his front paws hanging over my arms, and his belly and back paws dangling. He decided he didn't like being carried that way, and started wriggling and trying to get away, only my hold on him was too tight so he just ended up kind of swaying from side to side, with his paws out in front of him, and he looked like a giant fat man doing a dance - picture John Belushi on old SNL or something. It was awesome. I couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes. It felt good to laugh like that.

Hope everyone has a good long weekend. May not post much.