Sigh (and 1 year old!)

My anxiety is in overdrive. I go through days where I start to feel optimistic and like maybe things will be ok, but something always happens to remind me how easily that can change.

I've been avoiding loss blogs and boards because I get too anxious hearing the stories (and apologies for not providing the support I wish I could), but somehow the stories find me. In the last 24 hours I've unintentionally stumbled upon a story of a 31 week stillbirth (as a reminder, I'm exactly 31 weeks), a 37 week baby lost to placental abruption and have read about someone with repeat late losses/stillbirths. Now I can't get these thoughts out of my head and am back in the place where it seems like there is just too much that can still go wrong and how I can't count on our luck or statistics. Usually after a few days I feel better, hoping that will still be the case.

The pig flu hysteria doesn't help. Logically and rationally I know I shouldn't panic, it's still technically just a flu and I'm unlikely to get it, and if I did, I would go to a doctor immediately and would probably be fine, but that's not how my brain works. Since DH is my primary exposure to the outside workd, I made him carry tissues with him today so he could use them when touching door handles and I won't let him kiss me or share food or bottles with me since he has a coworker who went home sick yesterday. I will be leaving the house on Saturday for a birthday dinner, though, and am trying not to be anxious about it.

Here was how I distracted myself from worrying this morning:

Yep, today is baby girl's birthday! We didn't get her until she was about 3 months old, but her "papers" (I can't say that without thinking "the fucking dog, has fucking papers" - 10 points to whoever knows the movie) had today as her birthday. Happy birthday fatgirl baby!!! I alluded to DH that she wanted a cake, but he retorted that she didn't care, and I was the one who wanted cake. Meanie.

EDIT: Ok, this is incredibly embarrassing but I have to share...I am officially the worst kitty mommy ever. I just went back to look at Puddin's "papers" out of curiosity, and apparently today is NOT her birthday. It was the 26th. Poor baby, we missed her birthday!!!!! I won't ever forget after this at least...shame. No idea why I had the 30th so solidly in my head. Poop.

More cats?

I know it's not show and tell and there's no reason for it, except that I think they (ok, let's be honest, mostly Princess) have been particularly cute the last couple days.

Crazy eyes, yes. But so cute! DH took this one (I'm usually the photographer). Don't worry, I wouldn't let a human child play in a plastic bag.


Baby girl has been spending a lot of time on the couch with me lately which I LOVE. Except I have a problem in that she is so dang cute I can't leave her alone, so I am constantly petting her, rolling her around and playing with her belly fat (which has become quite significant - even though she still looks like a kitten, she now outweights Bitz by a pound and a half and I've take to calling her fatgirl baby). Generally I end up overstimulating her or picking her up and giving her a huge hug which invariably results in her leaving in annoyance. Sigh.

She just looks so funny here. To the left you can see the leg of what we call the Puddin' Bear - a teddy bear we got from Restoration Hardware when she was really sick and I was sure she was going to die, I chose the color because it reminded me of her.


The monkeys take turns sleeping on DH's stinky old running jacket. Here's mister taking his turn. He looks so happy! As I am typing this, Princess is on it, and Mister is sniffing around her very territorially.

This one is just funny. DH was holding Puddin and I asked why he doesn't pick the other cats up so he picked up Mister in the other arm...it didn't go so well.

Poor Stoli. She just doesn't tend to get into the cute photo ops the others do, plus she doesn't photograph as well because her fur is too shiny with the flash and you can't see her face without it. I had to follow her around for 10 minutes trying to catch something cute and the best I could get was her investigating the toilet. Classy. Then I tried to put her on the bed to see if I could get her to sleep cutely and I overstimulated her, so she followed me around for another 5 minutes attacking my ankles. She's a peach.

Edited: After I posted, I saw her taking her turn sitting on Daddy's stinky jacket, as if she was trying to show me that she can be cute too, so I had to get and include that pic too.


Thanks to everyone who reassured me about my weight gain comments yesterday. I just wanted to clarify that I am TOTALLY not concerned about my total weight gain, I know 20 lbs at 31 weeks isn't bad at all, I was just worried if the fact that I'd gained 2 lbs per week for the last 4 or so weeks was an indication of anything wrong (and my OB didn't comment on my weight either, just responded when I asked). She didn't seem worried though, just acknowledged it, and even if it continues that would be a total of 35 or so for the whole pregnancy which I'm definitely ok with (hell, I'd be ok with 100 as long as Toodle is healthy). I appreciate all your thoughts, I only add this because I felt bad and didn't want it to sound like I was complaining about the weight gain, I'm definitely not!

Now, back to avoiding the swine flu. Bleh.

31 Weeks, Hearts for Dylan, et cetera

Lots to cover today so I just put it all in one post...

1. 31 Week Appt:

B/P: 112/60
Cervix: Long/closed/high
Toodle: heartrate in the 140's (although not as loud as I like but OB was happy)
Fundal Height: 31cm
Weight: +20 lbs; +2lbs a week for the last month = heifer. OB didn't say anything but when I asked she said it's more than she likes but not much we can do about it (I'm not swelling so it's not water weight, and haven't been eating any more than usual).

Felt better about delivery after talking to my OB. She said that my placenta is still low enough that there's no way she'd give up my spot for the June 10th c/s (which she confirmed is scheduled) and said despite what last week's doctor said, she still prefers no manual cervical checks. I was also worried about an induction, if it comes to that, "not working" (meaning nothing happens and i get sent home with no baby) but she reassured me on that too.

2. Hearts for Dylan: A poster on the boards, username "LisaandBryan", gave birth to her twin boys, Dylan and Carter, just shy of 30 weeks back in February. Little Dylan has been having a rough time and they recently learned he will be needing open heart surgery. In support of their family, someone on the boards is organizing hearts for him, with the following instructions:

• Get a piece of paper, and cut out a heart. Fancy paper, simple paper, a napkin... who cares. In a marker or dark pen, (or computer) write a greeting to Dylan that is something like this: " Dylan is in my heart, from [name] in [location] " and take a picture of it. You can use your kid, your cat, your big beautiful pregnant belly, your officemates, whatever. Just stick the heart over a heart, and click!
• Send these piks to bumpie "Davezwife", at david_and_tracie at yahoo with "Dylan" in the title.

Here are mine. I may or may not have airbrushed my arm fat (and yes, that's the fat AFTER airbrushing...imagine the horror before I fixed it). Puddin' required no retouching.

3. Birthday Extravaganza! Today is my friend's 30th birthday, and my Papa's 90th - Happy birthday to both of them!!! I made my Papa a photo book on kodakgallery of all of his kids, grandkids and great grandkids (and included the Doodle portrait on the great grandchildren page).

Remembering Lydia Rose

A fellow blogger, IVF mommy and member of one of my discussion boards lost her little girl this weekend to preterm labor at 21 weeks. Please take a moment to remember little Lydia Rose and, if you have the time, stop by and give Echloe some support.

March for Babies

One million thanks to everyone who is doing today's March for Babies and raising money for our favorite charity, March of Dimes. We couldn't do the walk, for obvious reasons, and while we lost our Doodles, it means so much knowing how many people are participating to raise money for research and awareness to help other little ones who are born prematurely.

My mom did our local walk and raised a lot of money, and she wore a sign saying she was walking for Noah and Talia. Our friend Nine and her husband and little C also walked under the team name Blue Doodles, as they did last year, in memory of their little Blue and our Doodles.

If you haven't already, you can sign the March of Dimes petition via the button on the sidebar to the right.

Show and Tell - other kitties

For a change of scenery, today's show and tell is about some other kitties that are very important to me, besides the usual suspects. Based on the emails I've received from readers over the last couple days it seems like most are cat people and won't mind. ;)

Tiggy. He was the first cat we ever got, when I was 6 years old. A friend of my brother's lived on a farm and one of their cats had kittens. We'd gone to see the kittens when they were small and I loved this little orange runt. A couple months later, my dad (separated from my mom) was out in the suburbs spending the day with me and my brother and we stopped by and that little orange kitten was the last one left. My dad happily said we could get him (after all, he didn't live with us and wouldn't have to take care of the cat, LOL), and we went home with a rambunctious kitten. I think my dad pretty much dropped us home and stopped in and told my mom he got us a cat and left.


(Sorry for the crappy picture - my pics of him pre-dated digital cameras and this was the only one I had scanned already). Ever the clever 6 year old, I decided to name the orange striped cat "Tiger", which quickly became "Tiggy" or "Tigger Pigger", as he would henceforth be called. The first thing he did when he came home was run under an expensive wingchair and scratch the lining out from underneath it. My mom probably wasn't too happy, but by the time I went away from college she had grown very attached. Tiggy was an AWESOME cat...very dog-like in personality. He slept on my pillow every night until I went away to college. He put up with me dressing him in cabbage patch clothes for years (well before college). He was always the most tolerant of new cats coming into the house. He died on my 24th birthday (my mom called early in the morning and I thought she was calling to sing Happy Birthday, instead, DH and I had to run over to her apartment and help her bring him into the vet)...so he had a nice long life.

Buca. Buca (short for Sambuca) was the first kitty DH and I got together (I had Stoli before I met him).

We were spending the summer in Florida housesitting for my brother and SIL and had left Stoli with my best friend's mom because they had expressed a preference against us bringing her. Only, we are both crazy cat people and that didn't work very well. Partway through the summer we made the mistake of stopping at a local pet store where they had kittens for adoption (found kittens, requiring only a donation to the local ASPCA to bring them home). Always the sucker for the runt, we fell in love with this tiny little rascal - the smallest kitten I'd ever seen. We gave them the check, were out to the car, when I was holding her and started seeing fleas jump off her onto me. I have bug issues. I freaked out and decided we shouldn't take her back to my brother's place, that who knew what else was wrong with her, et cetera. Then I cried the whole night for bringing her back, and the next day called DH from work and said "I wouldn't be mad if I came home and the kitten was there."...he called me an hour later and said "Say hi to mommy!" and I heard a tiny little meow. He took her straight to the vet where she got cleaned, checked out and de-flea'd...and they told us our little "Trotsky" was a girl (so the name was saved for the Mister). They said she was probably not much more than 4 weeks old. Her eyes were still blue even!


She and our brother's dog were great friends. Stoli wasn't too happy when we came home and picked her up after being abandoned for the summer, to a new home, and a new sister, but she got over it.
Buca got along well with the other 2 kitties for a couple years, but right around when we started dealing with IF, she started to have some problems. She regularly peed and occasionally pooped around the house, regardless of the litter boxes' cleanliness or any "tricks" we learned online or from the vet. Part of it might have been that DH and I were not home as often either, very busy with work and we were traveling a lot around that time. We took her to the vet and at first they diagnosed kidney problems but a few weeks later her tests appeared normal again, yet the problems persisted. Eventually we deduced it must have been behavioral/due to her being unhappy, and we worried it would only get worse as we became enmeshed in doing IVF, doctor's appointments, and potentially, having a baby to also distract us. We would never have just given her away over a little pee, but decided to see if she might be happier at my mom's, since my mom was home way more than we were and there was only one other kitty who is far less assertive than Mister and Bitz. She's been there about a year and a half now and seems to be liking it. We do miss our Buca-Bear but I just think she is much happier there than she was with us and the other kitties, and my mom reports no pee issues.


Isn't she such a pretty girl? She is the sweetest kitty we've known, just very quiet, calm and reserved. We think she was feral when they found her so she hates being picked up or held but loves to sit nearby and be pet.

Wow!

Thanks so much to everyone who responded, either via email or the comments (which I had to turn off because they were approaching the number of comments to the Doodle Video, which I don't want to surpass), to my last post about going private. I'll admit I'm still a bit torn as I was very moved by how many responded and feel bad about not letting everyone read anymore, but I also feel that it would be best for Toodle to go private if/when I started writing about him as a real live baby rather than an anonymous fetus.

So...I think what I've decided to do is to keep blogging here, publicly, while I am pregnant, and if I end up with an actual take home baby, I will most certainly announce it here and then likely make the move.

This also gives me time to set up the private blog which I expect will be quite an undertaking based on the responses received so far. I'm planning on using wordpress. Anyone who wanted to follow over there would need to set up a wordpress account and let me know the email address or wordpress username so I could grant you access.

For those who have already emailed me, I can begin trying to input the email addresses provided so anyone who already has an account should be all set. Otherwise, between now and Toodle's arrival, anyone else who wants access should email me at [blog name]* at gmail dot com (not comment, because it's harder to track) with the necessary info. I'll also put a sticky post at the top as a reminder.

P.S.) Since I'm less concerned about the cats' privacy, I see no reason why I can't continue to post about them on this blog even after I do go private. As an appeasement to those who I know would miss Puddin' most of all.

*bustedbabymaker - just in case you weren't sure. Trying to be sneaky to avoid spam.

Out of curiosity...

I've been thinking about switching over to a private blog...originally I had planned that if/when I had Toodle, I'd do it then, since that would be the main reasoning (not wanting to share pics and info about my child with the whole internet). But now I'm thinking it may just be easier to do it now, while I have the time and energy to move everything over and go through the effort of setting up the privacy settings, et cetera.

I was just curious how many readers there are out there who would be interested in access to a private blog - keeping in mind it's an extra step for you, as it would likely require registration on whatever site I moved it to (unless the number was low enough to keep it on blogger, which only permits up to 100 readers) and signing in each time you wanted to read. I should also note that I would entertain some discretion in who I would grant access to - obviously anyone I know in real life (if interested) and women I know from blogs/discussion boards would be permitted, but if I receive a lot of requests from readers that I don't recognize at all (never emailed or commented, no blog of their own) I might limit some of those out of paranoia.

So, if you would be interested in reading my blog if I went private, and were up to potentially setting up a new account somewhere, et cetera, please send me an email (address in my profile) so I can gauge interest, and feel free to let me know how you found my blog or how you "know" me, or even just a link back to your own blog, so I can have that extra info.

Thanks and sorry for being a pain in the ass.

[Edited to Add: If I did go private and it had to be on a different server than blogger, I would definitely keep this blog up - and public - with posts up to that point because I would like for others to be able to be helped by reading about our story. And I might continue to post here on less personal topics than our family, such as infertility and loss in general. Thanks!]

Puddin' the Barbarian

As requested - some further explanation of the viciousness that is Puddin' (this is a picture of DH demonstrating her claws of doom).


There are 2 specific causes to the battleground that is my leg (all on one leg, too).

The first was a curious incident with my fuzzy socks. I have these supper fuzzy white socks with feather trim that I received as a gift years ago. I was wearing them a few weeks ago (and no, the wounds haven't healed yet) and Puddin' noticed the feathers and went berserk. She kept attacking my leg trying to get the feathers, slicing me up in the process. Eventually she literally grabbed the end of the sock in her mouth and dragged it half off my foot until I gave up and relinquished it to her. I haven't tried to wear the socks since, and recently when one of them was peeking out of my partially opened drawer she jumped onto the dresser, pulled the sock out of the drawer and walked away with it!

These scratches were just starting to heal when she "marked" me again, much worse. She gets very hyper in the morning and if she's awake and we're not, she tends to pounce on any part of us that moves in the bed, focusing on the legs and feet. Normally, no big deal, except lately I've been getting very hot at night so I throw the blankets off and my leg lies exposed to her wrath. The other day I was asleep and she must have jumped from 5 feet away directly onto my leg, landing with all 4 paws, claws out. It was so jarring that I actually woke up, sat right up and yelled "AAAUUGGHH!!!!". Poor DH came running out of the bathroom, terrified, probably thinking something was wrong with me or Toodle. He put some hydrogen peroxide on my leg but it didn't help. And now it looks like this:


The doctor yesterday told me to use Neosporin to help it heal. But apparently Puddin' doesn't want me to heal since every time she sees the Neosporin she knocks it onto the floor.

She's not all evil though. Today I learned she enjoys nature programming. I let her out of "her room" (the bathroom where we put her to eat her wet food so the other cats don't take it) and as soon as she came out I noticed her looking up at the TV where there polar bears wrestling on some show about Alaskan wildlife. A half hour later I noticed her sitting right in front of the TV, totally enrapt.


I watched for a bit and realized she wasn't moving. When the commercials came on she finally looked away, and seemed annoyed, even coming up on the coffee table to explore...but when the show came back on, she went back and resumed watching "her programs." So cute!

Week 30

What a difference 14 days make!

Had a routine OB appt today and because of the increase in activity and Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having, today's doctor decided to do a quick ultrasound to check my cervix and placenta. A lot has changed since the last one, just 2 weeks ago.

Toodle: 65%ile, 3lbs 8 oz. This is a BIG deal to me, since I found some articles online pinpointing 3lbs 5 oz as some threshold above which preemies tend to do very well. H/B 150 bpm. He has also flipped head down (he was breech 2 weeks ago). I wonder if some of my aches were due to him flipping?
Cervix: 4.5 cm - that's absurd...I almost think it was a mistake, but I'm ok with it. This is great news because it means my contractions/pains aren't causing preterm labor (for now).
Placenta: I have been upgraded from "previa" to "low lying"...today's doctor said based on this manual cervical checks are ok and she's not concerned about having me scheduled for a 37week c/s. We'll see how much more it moves though (my OB said it needs to be 2.5 cm away from the cervix for a normal birth, and right now it's 1.7cm). Also means it's less worrisome if I do have some contractions.
Weight: +18 lbs pre-pregnancy
B/P: 124/80 - sounds high to me but I know it's normal for it to go up in 3rd trimester and the doctor wasn't worried.
Fundal Height: She didn't give me a number but said it was "perfect" so I'm guessing 30 cm.

So moral of the story is that I may not have a scheduled c/s at 37 weeks anymore, and that I have less reason to freak out about the BH I've been having because (a) they don't appear to be changing my cervix and (b) if I don't have previa it's not as dangerous for me to have contractions. I have to say though that a part of me is disappointed about the c/s part. Not that I want major abdominal surgery and the recovery involved, but I like the idea of the control, the speed with which they get the baby out, and the certainty of the time/date. If the placenta moves we'll still probably induce at 37 weeks (subject to an amnio to make sure Toodle's lungs are mature) but I have a lot more guilt about that since it's more for my psychological health than physical. I just can't sit around and wait until possibly after my due date though. I'm already hysterical worrying about stillbirth and placental abruption and those only become more likely the further I go past term. I guess we'll see though, my placenta has been fickle before.

DH and I had a bit of a breakdown the other night, as he watched and felt Toodle move we started thinking about the Doodles and how different things might have been. It's an unsafe mental path to go down. I wish we could have had them and Toodle. I hate that my focus on Toodle has been at the Doodles' expense, but DH doesn't want me thinking too much about them now anyways because he worries it's not safe for Toodle if I'm sad all the time. He said we can think and talk about them all the time once Toodle is here and tell him all about them...sounds like a recipe for post partum depression if you ask me.

Oh yes...my leg is all cut up from Puddin' attacking it while I sleep, so much so that the doctor today was like "OH MY GOD! What happened to your leg?!"...so embarrassing. Maybe I'll start wearing knee-high socks to the OB to cover my disfigurement.

Show and Tell - Girls' Day

I'm back for Mel's Show and Tell this week!

Yesterday was the best day I've had in a while - a day with the girls. My three friends came over, we went out to lunch (DH provided door to door service to minimize time on my feet) and then hung out for a couple hours on our newly furnished patio. We also had some cake and prosecco to celebrate one of my friend's upcoming 30th birthday (most of the rest of us will follow shortly thereafter).

The cake was hysterical! We looked into a few specialty cake places (a la "Ace of Cakes" but on a much smaller scale) and decided on a place very close to us that got good reviews...we wanted to put a pic of our friend's pug on the cake and I specifically asked how they would do it because I wanted to ensure that they didn't just draw it on with frosting like the grocery store would do. I was imagining something a bit more polished than what we got though! And probably not purple...

This is the pic we provided as a model...


If you look closely on the left of the cake where it's kind of a shiny texture, I think that was supposed to be the dog's body but it kind of looked like KY on the cake. The cake itself tasted good though and we got a good laugh out of the decorations!

Here's a pic of us on the patio - you will notice that since my last photo (the 28 week bump pic) my face has become completely round. I call it my "moonpie face"...I can only imagine what it will look like if I make it another 7+ weeks as planned.

And the last bit of show and tell - whenever we go outside (or sometimes even if we're not out there) Stoli really wants to go out with us, but unlike our old enclosed patio we can't let her out on this one because it's too big and we worry about her climbing that wall you see in the background (we're 3 floors up) so she can't come out. This is what she does when she wants to be let out though (forgive the filthy window):

Puddin' Announcement

While I know this is supposed to be an infertility/loss/pregnancy blog, I also have a suspicion that a lot of those reading are here mostly for updates on Puddin' rather than me and Toodle, so it seemed appropriate to post...

So....see this kitty right here?

In case you can't tell, that is a picture of a 100% healthy, normal Puddin'!!!! Remember when we thought she was on death's door, had congenital heart defects and was going to be on a kitty pharmaceutical cocktail indefinitely? Well, she had another follow up appointment with her cardiologist today and everything is completely normal, no more thickening of the heart walls, and she doesn't have to take ANY medication anymore.

And NO meds = HAPPY Puddin':

I was so relieved to hear she is all better. The only thing abnormal about her now is her cuteness (and that she is a little small for her age, but that's ok by me). What a great present, just in time for her 1st birthday (in about 2 weeks).

And in the interest of equal opportunity - Mister and Bitz, lounging in the sun:

29 Week Appt

Thankfully, all is still ok. After Friday's scare everything seemed to quiet down once I was at home, but I was obviously still very anxious. Then Saturday I actually had a lot more activity/irritability than Friday even, and was certain I was going to have to go back to the hospital. I ended up talking to the on-call doctor in the early evening and she said that as long as what I was feeling still had no regularity and wasn't lasting 30-40 seconds that I was fine, but if it changed to call back. Luckily, it went away almost completely by the time I went to bed and hasn't come back since (knock on wood).

Stats:
B/P: 120/67
Weight: +16 lbs pre-pregnancy
Cervix: Looked "good" according to OB.
Toodle H/B: Took a minute to find, 144 bpm.

No fundal height measurement. I also got my rhogam shot which I was surprised actually hurt, since generally shots and needles don't hurt me at all. Talked to the doctor about movement since I tend to freak out if I am laying in bed and don't feel Toodle moving for an hour (and none of the food/drink tricks work), but she said that no baby is going to have noticeable movement every hour despite what pregnancy books say, and as long as I have three periods of significant activity per day and the level of activity doesn't decrease I am fine. I'm sure I'll still panic every couple days but that should tide me over for a bit at least.

Oh, and the first of my maternity support items arrived - the "cradle". Which clearly is such a superior product they haven't felt the need to update even the packaging since 1982:

She is rocking that maternity unitard, no? Let's take a closer look at the coif too, shall we?

I don't think that look has been modeled as elegantly since Ozzy wore it circa "Ultimate Sin" or shortly thereafter (fat Ozzy, no less - incidentally, not an easy image to find):

Did I mention that the sizing - not made clear by Target - prescribes a size S if you wear (pre-pregnancy) up to a size 12, a size M if you wear a 14-20, and a size L for size 20-28? I, however, ordered a L since that's my normal clothing size...whoops. It doesn't seem all that big, but maybe you're supposed to wear it a lot tighter than how I tried it on? It's also not very comfortable - DH said the only way they could have made it any stiffer is if they made it out of cardboard. So I'm keeping it in my arsenal but not wearing it unless the pain gets worse, for now I can deal with it.

Irritable Uterus, Irritable Busted (all ok though)

So we just got home a half hour ago after spending most of the day with various medical professionals, but end story is everything is fine and Toodle is still baking.

I woke up and felt some achiness on either side of my abdomen, not all that dissimilar from the pubic symphysis/round ligament pains I generally get except normally those are only when I am moving or walking, not laying still. I called the nurse who wanted me to come in, and DH dropped me off on the way to work. Once at the OB's office, she looked at my cervix and said it looked long, high and closed (all good) and then they put me and Toodle on the monitors for a bit. The monitors showed nothing too concerning but a couple small blips of "irritability" as my OB described it. She told me I could go home and to drink a lot of water, and to do my P17 shot today instead of my usual Saturday morning time, and to call if it got worse.

Back at home, the aches at first seemed gone but then came back sporadically but with increased intensity, and were in some instances accompanied by my stomach tightening and shooting cervical twinges. I hadn't had the P17 shot yet because I had to wait for DH to get home, so I called and asked if he could come home and give me the shot but also called the OB since they would be closing shortly by the time I had the shot. After I described the changes they wanted me to come back in. So DH came and got me, gave me the shot, and back I went for more monitoring. Cervix still looked ok but the instances of irritability were more noticeable and stronger so just to be safe the doctor sent me to labor and delivery (L&D) to be watched for a while and be given an IV to see if that helped.

Surprisingly I didn't completely freak out, even though she did run through the worst case scenario (contractions increase, in which case they'd do sterioid shots to mature Toodle's lungs since I can''t be permitted to go into real labor because of the placenta previa therefore they would have to deliver me via c/s as soon as possible). The hardest part was going back to labor and delivery and sitting in the same waiting room where we waited before having the Doodles, then being in the same labor room (not exact same I don't think, but same layout, same floor, et cetera).

Once at L&D, the nurse put me back on monitors and I got the IV. They didn't check my cervix again since it had been checked just before I came over. I was seen by a med student and a resident while being monitored, and the resident was in contact with my OB. The monitors showed a few more instances of irritability and I had a few more of the aches/twinges, but they seemed to be lessened in frequency and intensity since the afternoon. The nurse said they don't consider uterine activity to be a contraction unless it lasts for 40 seconds and mine lasted around 20. After 4 hours or so, they determined that things definitely weren't getting worse and were probably getting better, so they released me with the normal instructions on when to call (bleeding, 6+ contractions in an hour, decreased movement, et cetera).

I wasn't allowed to eat or drink even water while at the hospital because of the possibility of getting a c/s if I started getting real contractions, and I hadn't eaten since noon so I was STARVING. So glad to come home with a baby still alive and still baking. And eating and drinking was nice too.

We're currently scheduled for a c/s on June 10 based on my placenta previa, so apparently Toodle got his birthday confused and thought it was April 10. Not a fan of that plan. REALLY hoping he can wait till June to be born (and to stay) big and healthy.

Maternity Apparel Post

First, for those who asked about my top in yesterday's post, it's from Motherhood, here's a link:

Scoop Neck Ruffle Top.

In other news, I mentioned some pain I'd been having to the doctor yesterday and she attributed it to the effects of gravity on my abdomen and recommended I get a maternity support belt. Have you seen these things? They look like medieval torture devices or giant jock straps. I'm not a fan of the convoluted things I found online - has anyone used one of these and could make recommendations?

Also, most of them say they relieve back pain, which I don't have. In fact, after doing more research I am thinking the pain could be pubic symphysis pain, even though the doctor didn't specifically make that diagnosis. It's in the same area as round ligament pain but persistent and gets progressively worse throughout the day until I go to bed when it's pretty bad and hurts to walk or lay in certain positions. So I don't even know if the belt would help. Thoughts?

I feel pretty lucky to be in the 3rd trimester and just now having my first real discomfort so it's not the end of the world.

28 Week Appt, Etc.

,28 weeks tomorrow. Based on most things I've read, if Toodle was born at this point his chances of survival and living a relatively normal life (after an extended NICU stay) are around 90%, which is starting to sound ok.

Except that now my fear is not really going into labor, but stillbirth. Especially after reading a couple of stories yesterday about people going in for an ultrasound and finding out the baby had died. I couldn't fall asleep last night I was so nervous, and every few days I decide that Toodle doesn't seem active enough and fixate on staring at my stomach, willing it to move, which makes DH anxious too.

Part of my anxiety is also due to some tragic news this week on one of the boards I frequent. A lovely poster was expecting twins after 4 IVFs. Her pregnancy had been rough with numerous scares and I think she had a cerclage, although I'm not sure. She gave birth to her little ones on April 3, at 24w1d. They reported great apgar scores for such tiny babies and I felt so hopeful for them, hopeful that the mythical 24 week mark would give them the miracle we didn't get. I was devastated to hear that their son, Evan, passed away Sunday, and then even more pained to read yesterday that his sister, Phoebe, had joined him. I'll admit that I've seen several families lose their babies, many twins, since we lost the Doodles, and every one has affected me but this one seemed to strike a little harder than others. I'm not sure why, maybe because they were so close in gestation to the Doodles, maybe because of the sudden turn of events - rather than reading that twins were lost, I followed her pregnancy, learned they were born and held out for the best, only to hear the all too familiar news just days later. In any event, this news has shaken many of us in the community and probably contributed to my current anxiety levels. Please keep little Phoebe and Evan, and their parents, Celine and Russ, in your thoughts and prayers, to the extent you pray.

Regardless of all of the aforementioned anxiety, all seemed ok at today's appt. In addition to the regular appointment, I also had an ultrasound to check the placenta and Toodle's growth. Stats were as follows:

Toodle H/B: Strong
Toodle size: 2lbs, 7 oz., 45th percentile.
B/P: 110/76
Weight: +15 lbs pre-pg...last week's dip must have been a fluke based on the prior day's poop-fest.
Fundal Height: 28cm
Cervix: 3.7cm
Placenta: .77cm from cervix. Today's doctor said she's giving my file to the c/s schedulers just in case, but that we'll check it again at 32 weeks.

Because it's a week divisible by 4 (or will be tomorrow), we also took a belly pic. I was thinking I didn't look that much bigger than 24 weeks but in photos I guess I do, since the side view belly shots now look as big as the angled ones I was "cheating" with up till now (see both below for reference). I also think I may be getting "fat-face", but I'm ok with it. [Edited to add: Almost forgot that DH insisted we take a belly shot of Puddin' today too, which he really wanted me to post alongside my own. So here you go!]

Finally, in the biggest personal news, today I had my first outing other than to a doctor's office since January. After we'd confirmed everything was ok at the OB's office, we went out to lunch (I asked today's doctor to be sure it was ok and she told me to "please go out to lunch" when she found out I hadn't yet taken my regular doctor up on her advice that it was ok to do so). We ate at a Japanese restaurant (chosen mostly because mochi sounded really good to me) and DH insisted on taking a picture of me out "in the wild" (taken with my blackberry so not the greatest quality):

Now I'm home and in bed rather than on the couch to ensure maximum restedness after my big day.

Your Questions, Answered...

1) Has the dinner situation improved? - Yes, thank you! My friend made us a lasagna that lasted a good balance of the week, and she also brought us a ton of frozen meals from Trader Todd's, and some frozen dinners she cooked. So far we've tried one of the recipes provided by readers and have ingredients to make another. So we are set, dinner-wise, for a while.

2) How did you make the collage of nursery pics? - www.scrapblog.com. You can copy/download the pics you like from the retailers' websites and then upload them to make a virtual scrapbook or page.

3) I've seen that bedding and love it myself and now I can't remember where it is from. Would you mind adding that? - It's the "Alphabet" bedding by Bananafish. Part of their Migi line. They have it at Target online (on sale right now) and at babysupermall.com too. There are some other sites you can find it too, I think, those are just the 2 that come to mind.

4) Where is the orange wall art from? - Etsy.com, seller "englishmuffinshop". I just searched etsy for the keywords "orange", "nursery" and "art".

You Mount the Woman, Son [Updated]

How's that for a post title to get people clicking through from their blog feeds?

I know it's not Show and Tell, but had to share this since it's the first time after several months that I've been able to capture this on film.

(Sorry for the crazy eyes - I'm not adept enough at photo editing to know what to do with that). When Puddin' gets particularly boisterous and hyper (quite often), usually as the result of some altercation she's having with a rubber band or the plastic wrapping from my prenatal vitamins, Mister gets very agitated. He HATES when she is all hyper. So he then takes it upon himself to still her, generally by climbing on top of her ("mounting" her) and biting her. I can tell this is happening even from the other room because Mister (yes, you read that right, Mister, not Puddin') makes these mournful meows when he does it. It's the funniest thing ever. I'm fairly certain it's not at all sexual since they're both fixed and he only does it when she's really psycho and stops as soon as she calms down. He has a tendency to dislike loud noises and sudden movements so it makes sense.

DH doesn't like it because he thinks it's mean to Puddin', but I love it and have recently taken to saying, whenever it happens "You mount the woman, son", a la Burgess Meredith in Grumpy Old Men. It's even funnier when Puddin' is face down but I haven't been able to catch that on film yet.

In other news, I've finalized our nursery plans. We got the Restoration Hardware Baby catalog yesterday and even though I am not at all a fan of the bedding because it's not "babyish" enough for my taste, I always love their accesories and I just realized when flipping through the catalog that one of their color options actually matches the alphabet bedding I liked. Here's the final plan, subject to change of course based on availability of these items if/when we have a live Toodle home with us:


I also like some of their options for baby outfits and am considering buying a "going home" outfit maybe once we hit 30 weeks, only because my reasoning is that even if something horrible happened and we lost Toodle, I would still want to have something to dress him in, so it's not something we'd have to keep and send away if we didn't bring him home. But obviously hoping for the more typical and upbeat scenario.

[EDITED: Ok, since I posted I had more time to browse online and decided I wanted a pop of a brighter color so I chose the orange from the bedding - here's the new and improved and really final this time (I hope) nursery mock-up:


Obviously I realize there are more important aspects of planning and researching for a baby than decorating the stupid nursery, and we are thinking of those things too, but this is the one that gives me something to do on virtual scrapblog.

P.S.) I may have actually ordered those orange/white receiving blankets from Target - eek! Same theory as the coming home outfit - if anything happened I would want to have a blanket to bring to the hospital that I could keep as something related to Toodle...and hopefully it will just be a receiving blanket for a live baby.]